Start the ConversationJan 10, 2022
Today on my Instagram account for @coffeewithmyancestors, I gave a writing prompt on FEAR. I asked the question, What are you afraid of?
This is a question I ask myself often and the answer always surprises me. Now, if you follow me online you probably see a lot of positive posts, truth-awareness posts, and I hardly ever dump my negative baggage. If you work with me in classes and workshops, you'll hear about the fears, wounds, the lessons, the healing journey, and the wisdom. We all are afraid of something at some time. This doesn't make us weak, it makes us human. It allows us to grow.
What Am I Afraid of Lately?
As I ask the question lately, the answer often is, I am afraid to have THAT conversation. To ask THOSE questions.
Just what conversation and what questions am I talking about? That changes the more I research my family history, look at my own patterns, fears, behaviors, negative traits. As old layers of me fall away or heal and release, new fears, information, and questions show up. The conversation yesterday was about our Tregler family. These ancestors - my grandpa (the boy) and his parents almost never show up for me to talk to, or in my dreams, or anywhere. But when they do, I have to pay attention.
The same is true for all of us. The more we learn about our families, the more questions we have. The more vague whispers we remember or partial events that happened that affected us greatly. It can take a long time to have enough courage to look at all of this and move through the fear.
Start the Conversation
Over the last several months I have been starting the conversation with my mom on various branches of the family. Sharing something new I found or rediscovered. Asking basic, general, non-shocking questions about certain family members or events. Talking about travel we have done, especially with our ancestors to walk their military journeys or visit their graves.
Now I am a lot like my mom in positive and negative ways. We are both strong, independent women with our own ideas. Our own beliefs (which are often opposite of the other). We are fiercely protective of our children. We have moved through a lot of intensity and change in life and come out the other side. Not unscathed but more whole. We can also be (more in the past) very stubborn, not wavering in whatever our latest stance is, and push too hard to get our view across and control the conversation or situation. That used to end in us walking away from each other in silence and being estranged for months. However, we have both evolved beyond this and there is an immense respect between us that wasn't there before.
I had to take a very courageous and honest look at where I was functioning from in this relationship. What I was bringing to the table (old fears, anger, control, resentment, perspectives, assigning identities that may not have been true, etc.) As I healed those parts of myself and for the female ancestors in my lineage, everything changed for us.
How I start the conversation with family.
Now, instead of coming in like a raging bull with my million questions and sometimes anger about family (which I sometimes used to do), I start with curiosity. Just be curious about the family or events that took place. Curious about things you vaguely remember.
I ask basic, general, non-judgmental questions OR I share something new I discovered or rediscovered. We share memories of our European 2015 trip and share photos. We laugh, we remember, we start talking about other things.
When the space is open, I ask deeper questions in a neutral way.
I have learned to do what I have always done with clients, friends, people who just meet me and start talking - just let them lead the conversation. Ask questions along the way but sometimes people just need to share. A response or follow-up question is not always required and you can still learn a lot.
Feel the emotion of what is being shared. Allow your empathic senses to pick up the unspoken words. The energies that swirl in the conversation or event you are discussing. A lot of information can come through this way. As a lightworker - you will process this, transmute the old, and can bring in unconditional love and light to heal what needs to be healed and fill those healed spaces.
Stop asking questions when you feel things are too much for the other person or people in the conversation. Switch to a completely different topic whether it is a different ancestral branch or the latest trip you are planning to take. Allow the energy to settle and see what happens next. The Q&A time may be over for now but I guarantee the energies will keep working and another time there will be space for more.
When we approach conversation, research, writing, life with curiosity, we can get farther in whatever our target is at that moment. We create a safer space for people to open up and share. We create a healing space so the old can be transmuted and we all evolve.
How are you approaching family conversations? What changes have you noticed in yourself as you do your healing work, research, and writing?
Do you need private support with this? I offer facilitation/coaching sessions where we can work 1-1 on your research and healing. I also offer many workshops to help you explore this on your own.
If you have questions about healing inherited trauma, please reach out at [email protected]. I'm happy to have a conversation.
If you would like to explore more of your research and family stories and start writing those stories, sign up for my free workshop which includes a 28-page workbook, Healing the Roots: Words, Wounds, Wisdom. It might just change how you look at yourself and your family and help you start writing the stories.
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