They Never Got to Say GoodbyeAug 16, 2022
Have you always been able to say goodbye to the people you loved? People with whom you had strong energetic connections or were in significant relationships? What happened when you never had the chance to say goodbye? How did you process your emotions?
This year someone I was married to and loved, passed away in his sleep. I knew he was going to leave this year. He told me after his funeral, that as he slept, he saw a door and decided to walk through and never look back. I never got to say goodbye for so many reasons. (You can read about my journey in my next book, Soul Traveler, coming out later this year.)
I've had to make peace within myself over this fact this year. Some people may think this is not a big deal. Make peace with the event and move on. Others come to realize there may be more to this inability to say goodbye that goes back generations. An ancestral pattern. An inherited trauma. Patterns embedded in our DNA.
Why would I suggest this is an ancestral pattern? Because Christmas Eve 2019 I did my first genogram and spotted several patterns that my husband and I were living that belonged to my Holik grandparents. The first genogram led to others and with the use of more tools (genealogy and energetic), and layer by layer I discovered just how much I was living my grandparent's life.
Just like in genealogy research, one document is not going to give us the entire story of an individual or family. The same applies in genogram and energy work. In the Genogram work I have done for my family and clients, one thing we have to do is go beyond the surface layer of genealogy information, ancestral experiences, and questions. Only when we are willing to dive deeper can we truly release the past and move forward. Pushing into the deeper layers is not something that happens immediately or within just one session.
What might this look like?
When I created my first genogram I noticed several things that energetically tied my marriage to my grandparent's marriage. A few of those things include:
- Grandma and I were married to very sick men.
- Grandma and I didn't live full-time with these men at a certain point. We were both separated from them by distance. Grandma about an hour, me an 8 hour over the ocean flight.
- World War II played a significant role in both my life and marriage and that of my grandparents.
- Grandma had three boys when the war started (my dad was a bonus after the war). I had three boys.
The above items were just the first layer of what I identified. Quite honestly this freaked me out. This was my first foray into really exploring the ancestral patterns in my family and I couldn't believe that I was living this out. It did make sense though but also showed me that it was ruining my life and changes needed to be made. Grandma had also been around for several years as an ancestral guide, trying to ensure I'd have the love she never did and to help her heal. I didn't get that love in that marriage but he was my greatest soul teacher.
The more I explored the ancestral patterns between my grandparents and myself, the more I realized how deep the rabbit hole goes. Only recently as I was discussing things with my parents about my grandparents, did I actually ask the question, Did Grandma get to say goodbye to grandpa when he died in the VA hospital? I learned she did not. The day he died my dad was getting his tonsils out. This was (at least) the second man in her family she didn't get to say goodbye to. Her grandpa Joseph died by suicide and she found him. I'm not sure if she had the chance to say goodbye to her father who died in 1950. If you look at the line between her and I, you could say it "skips a generation" in who we get to say goodbye too, especially if she got to say goodbye to her father.
Patterns are everywhere if we take the time to look.
Armed with that information I decided to look at other relationships in the family and see who else may have not been able to say goodbye. I found several instances where people never got to say goodbye. Yes, some were related to those who died in a war, but there is a visible family pattern in my family where people did not get to say goodbye.
So I ask myself today, as I continue my self-healing work, is this ancestral closure something I also took on to heal for our family? Is it possible to release this pattern? The answer I keep hearing is yes. The peace I make within myself will ripple out.
Would you like help identifying your personal and ancestral patterns?
There are two ways I can help you identify personal and ancestral patterns that might be holding you back and not allowing you to release and let go. I offer private facilitation sessions and genogram sessions. You can learn why these are valuable and how they can help you by exploring the differences on the Facilitation & Genogram Session page.
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